Hepper is reader-supported. When you buy via links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission at no cost to you. Learn more.

50 Funny Dog Quotes to Relate & Laugh to

Nicole Cosgrove Profile Picture

By Nicole Cosgrove

young owner laughing with her dog at the back of the car

Our canine companions have inspired countless famous personalities, authors, and comedians to share their thoughts and feelings in the form of quotes. And what’s the only thing better than dog quotes? Funny dog quotes! So, fetch your favorite treat (or perhaps just a comfy seat), and get ready to embark on a rollicking journey through this hilarious compilation of 50 funny dog quotes. These quips perfectly capture the essence of our loyal, lovable, and sometimes downright goofy best friends. Let the barking-good humor begin!

Divider-Dog bone- New

50 Funny Dog Quotes

  • “If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.” – Will Rogers, American actor and humorist.
  • “Dogs never bite me. Just humans.” – Marilyn Monroe, iconic American actress.
  • “The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.” – Andy Rooney, television writer and humorist.
  • “Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.” – Roger Caras, wildlife photographer and animal welfare activist.
  • “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.” – Groucho Marx, American comedian.
  • “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.” – Rita Rudner, American comedian and writer.
  • “A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” – Robert Benchley, American humorist and actor.
  • “Every dog must have his day.” – Jonathan Swift, Irish satirist and author.
  • “My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip.” – Craig Shoemaker, American comedian.
  • “If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.” – Phil Pastoret, author.
  • “In order to keep a true perspective of one’s importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.” – Dereke Bruce, author.
  • “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’” – Dave Barry, Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist.
  • “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.” – Unknown
  • “I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.” – John Steinbeck, Nobel Prize-winning author.
  • “If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.” – Charles Yu, science fiction writer.
  • “A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.” – Josh Billings, American humorist.
  • “Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers, advice columnist.
  • “If you want the best seat in the house, you’ll have to move the dog.” – Jim Croce, American singer-songwriter.
  • “Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.” – Franklin P. Jones, American humorist.
  • “The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.” – Charles de Gaulle, former President of France.
  • “Dogs do speak, but only to those who know how to listen.” – Orhan Pamuk, Nobel Prize-winning novelist.
  • “I don’t understand people who don’t touch their pets. Their cat or dog is called a pet for a reason.” – Jarod Kintz, author.
  • “Scratch a dog, and you’ll find a permanent job.” – Franklin P. Jones, American humorist.
  • “Happiness is a warm puppy.” – Charles M. Schulz, creator of the Peanuts comic strip.
  • “Everything I know, I learned from dogs.” – Nora Roberts, best-selling author.
  • “Dogs have boundless enthusiasm but no sense of shame. I should have a dog as a life coach.” – Moby, American musician and DJ.
  • “I once decided not to date a guy because he wasn’t excited to meet my dog. I mean, this was like not wanting to meet my mother.” – Bonnie Schacter, American actress.
  • “No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as much as the dog does.” – Christopher Morley, American journalist and author.
  • “The world would be a nicer place if everyone had the ability to love as unconditionally as a dog.” – M.K. Clinton, author.
  • “A well-trained dog will make no attempt to share your lunch. He will just make you feel so guilty that you cannot enjoy it.” – Helen Thomson, author.
  • “If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?” – Gary Larson, cartoonist, creator of “The Far Side.”
  • “To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.” – Aldous Huxley, English writer and philosopher.
  • “When a dog wags her tail and barks at the same time, how do you know which end to believe?” – Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (SARK), author and artist.
  • “The best therapist has fur and four legs.” – Carrie Underwood, American singer and songwriter.
  • “The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” – Harry S. Truman, 33rd President of the United States.
  • “A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well – almost.” – Charlotte Gray, Canadian author and historian.
  • “Dogs are like potato chips. It’s hard to have just one.” – Leslie Moak Murray, artist and illustrator.
  • “Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.” – John Grogan, author of “Marley & Me.”
  • “Be the person your dog thinks you are.” – C.J. Frick, American comedian and writer.
  • “The road to my heart is paved with paw prints.” – David Rosenfelt, American novelist and screenwriter.
  • “When an eighty-five pound mammal licks your tears away, then tries to sit on your lap, it’s hard to feel sad.” – Kristan Higgins, American novelist.
  • “Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.” – Max Eastman, American writer and poet.
  • “What do dogs do on their day off? Can’t lie around – that’s their job!” – George Carlin, American comedian.
  • “The only creatures that are evolved enough to convey pure love are dogs and infants.” – Johnny Depp, American actor.
  • Dogs don’t rationalize. They don’t hold anything against a person. They don’t see the outside of a human but the inside of a human.” – Cesar Millan, dog behaviorist and television personality.
  • “If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog.” – Harry S. Truman, 33rd President of the United States.
  • “You can usually tell that a man is good if he has a dog who loves him.” – W. Bruce Cameron, American author.
  • “Dogs are our link to paradise. They don’t know evil or jealousy or discontent.” – Milan Kundera, Czech writer.
  • “I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs, but I trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.” – Bill Murray, American actor and comedian.
  • Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I’ll be watching you.” – Unknown

Divider-Dog Paw and Bone- New


These funny dog quotes capture the humor, love, and quirks of our canine companions. They remind us of the unique bond we share with our dogs and the joy they bring to our lives. Dogs truly do make the world a better (and funnier) place!

Featured Image Credit: Tatyana Blinova, Shutterstock

Nicole Cosgrove Profile Picture

Authored by

Nicole is a lover of animals of all sizes but is especially fascinated with the feline variety. She’s the proud mom of Baby, a Burmese, and works every day so he can relax in the sunshine or by the fire. She’s always had a cat in her home and has spent countless days with others, observing behaviors and softening up even the grouchiest of the lot. Nicole wants to share her kitty expertise with you so you and your cat ...Read more

Related Articles

Further Reading

Vet Articles

Latest Vet Answers

The latest veterinarians' answers to questions from our database

Shopping cart0
There are no products in the cart!